The Covert Narcissism Podcast

Guard Dogging: The Covert Narcissist’s Justification for Their Own Anger

I used to describe my husband as being like a guard dog. Always on high alert, looking for any threat to his territory, just waiting to pounce, eager to attack, hyper-sensitive, hyper-alert, always on the prowl.
The first place that I really identified this was regarding our kids. He would sit outside of the room they were playing in, listening and just waiting for them to do something, anything wrong. Then he would pounce on them. He would come boiling in, full steam, so harsh at them, as if what just happened was the worst thing on the face of the earth.
Why do they do this?
So they can have someone or something to blame for their anger. As I have said, the anger is already there. It is always there. But now they have a reason. And once that reason wears off, they have to have another reason. They watch for that reason, for that justification so they don’t carry the blame for their own anger.
Quit trying to do everything perfect for this abusive person in your life. No matter what, they are always going to find a reason to be mad. Remember the anger is already there and actually has nothing to do with you and your actions. They are going to be mad anyways, whether you say or do this or that. It really doesn’t matter. So quit living your life trying to appease that. Quit carrying the blame for their constant anger. That’s not on you!!
To join my upcoming group coaching sessions, visit my website at www.covertnarcissism.com
--- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/covertnarcissism/support
 
I am Renee Swanson, and I help people recover from covert narcissistic abuse.
Are you tired of feeling isolated and alone? 
Are you searching for people who get it? 
Are you confused, reactive and unsure what to do? 
Are you running in circles in your mind?
Are you worried for your kids and the effect this is having on them? 
Do you want to know how not to raise another narcissist in this world?
I can help you! I offer both group and individual coaching, which you can find at www.covertnarcissism.com
 
Renee Swanson, Certified Coach and Advocate for Victims of Covert Narcissistic Abuse
http://www.covertnarcissism.com
https://www.tiktok.com/@cngreneeswanson
https://www.youtube.com/@cngreneeswanson
https://www.facebook.com/renee.covertnarcissism

Intermittent Reinforcement, A Powerful Manipulation Tool

Why can’t I leave? What is this crazy ride I am on? One minute I want out so badly, but the next I am fighting to stay. Do I want to stay? Do I want to go? Why can’t I make up my mind? What is wrong with me?
There is nothing wrong with you! You have been a victim of an incredibly powerful manipulation tool called intermittent reinforcement. I am going to describe that tool today and tell you why it has such a strong effect on you and so many other victims.
Intermittent reinforcement is the delivery of rewards at irregular intervals. It is a game of sometimes I validate you and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I reward your positive behavior and sometimes I don't. You, the subject, do not receive a reward each time that you perform a desired behavior. The inconsistent rewards cause us to work harder to get the reward. We pursue it with much more enthusiasm, paying extremely close attention to signs of progress. When it finally comes, the hard earned reward releases huge feelings of relief and success inside of us. And once achieved, the process begins all over again.
I’m Renee Swanson, your host of the CN podcast. Thank you so much for joining me today. If you are in need of some guidance through this nightmare, please reach out to me! I offer both group and individual coaching. You can learn more at my website www.covertnarcissism.com. You can email me at renee@cnglifecoaching.com. I look forward to hearing from you.
--- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/covertnarcissism/support
 
I am Renee Swanson, and I help people recover from covert narcissistic abuse.
Are you tired of feeling isolated and alone? 
Are you searching for people who get it? 
Are you confused, reactive and unsure what to do? 
Are you running in circles in your mind?
Are you worried for your kids and the effect this is having on them? 
Do you want to know how not to raise another narcissist in this world?
I can help you! I offer both group and individual coaching, which you can find at www.covertnarcissism.com
 
Renee Swanson, Certified Coach and Advocate for Victims of Covert Narcissistic Abuse
http://www.covertnarcissism.com
https://www.tiktok.com/@cngreneeswanson
https://www.youtube.com/@cngreneeswanson
https://www.facebook.com/renee.covertnarcissism

Your Warning System is Not Broken

I’m so easily upset. I didn’t use to be, but I am now. Is something wrong with me?
I’ve become so reactive. The smallest things really upset me now. Am I the problem?
I'm on high alert all the time. I feel defensive and easily triggered. Am I the narcissist?
We all have a built in warning system. It is designed to keep us safe from harm. This warning system causes us to feel anxious and upset, on high alert, on edge, not trusting the situation, and incredibly uncomfortable. The warning system is designed to keep us safe from harm. It is the bells and whistles to alert us to potential danger. Your warning system is not broken!
I meet with so many victims of covert narcissistic abuse. I meet in both individual sessions and in group settings. So many victims ask what’s wrong with them. They ask if they are the narcissist, if they are broken.
I am here to tell you now that your system is NOT broken. Your heart, body, soul and mind are trying to keep you safe from danger. You need to learn to listen to your system, to trust it, to interpret its messages, and to communicate with it.
If you are in need of individual coaching or would like to work in a group setting with other victims, please reach out to me. You can learn more about what I offer at www.covertnarcissism.com or at www.cnglifecoaching.com
You can also email me at renee@cnglifecoaching.com
If you missed the episode on Cognitive Dissonance, listen to it here.
--- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/covertnarcissism/support
 
I am Renee Swanson, and I help people recover from covert narcissistic abuse.
Are you tired of feeling isolated and alone? 
Are you searching for people who get it? 
Are you confused, reactive and unsure what to do? 
Are you running in circles in your mind?
Are you worried for your kids and the effect this is having on them? 
Do you want to know how not to raise another narcissist in this world?
I can help you! I offer both group and individual coaching, which you can find at www.covertnarcissism.com
 
Renee Swanson, Certified Coach and Advocate for Victims of Covert Narcissistic Abuse
http://www.covertnarcissism.com
https://www.tiktok.com/@cngreneeswanson
https://www.youtube.com/@cngreneeswanson
https://www.facebook.com/renee.covertnarcissism

How Do I Handle the Triggers

When living in an abusive situation, a victim often becomes reactive. The environment is not emotionally safe. You are walking on eggshells every day of your life. Your mind is in hyper-drive and hyper-alert all the time. You never feel good enough for this abusive person. You can’t ever do anything right. You are constantly judged and blamed. Your thoughts and feelings never matter. You have no space to be human.
This is a traumatic environment. It is incredibly damaging and leaves significant imprints in your mind, heart, soul and body. Even when we have left the situation, these imprints are still there. Piles of them. This is a thousand bee stings. These imprints are easily triggered, causing major reactions in us that do not match the current situation. How do we handle these triggers and stop those intense reactions?
To learn more about an Energy Burn, listen to my previous episode - Two Tools for Healing from Covert Narcissistic Abuse
--- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/covertnarcissism/support
 
I am Renee Swanson, and I help people recover from covert narcissistic abuse.
Are you tired of feeling isolated and alone? 
Are you searching for people who get it? 
Are you confused, reactive and unsure what to do? 
Are you running in circles in your mind?
Are you worried for your kids and the effect this is having on them? 
Do you want to know how not to raise another narcissist in this world?
I can help you! I offer both group and individual coaching, which you can find at www.covertnarcissism.com
 
Renee Swanson, Certified Coach and Advocate for Victims of Covert Narcissistic Abuse
http://www.covertnarcissism.com
https://www.tiktok.com/@cngreneeswanson
https://www.youtube.com/@cngreneeswanson
https://www.facebook.com/renee.covertnarcissism

Covert Narcissists’ Constant Need for Validation

Covert narcissists have an insatiable need for constant validation. It is an addiction for them. They have to be fed ALL the time. And it will still never be enough.
Their need for validation is like a cup with no bottom. You pour in all this positive energy, and it just flows right out the other end and is gone. No matter how much you love them, respect them, admire them, care for them, approve of them, build them up, it will never be enough.
They only see all the ways that you don’t. Any tiny criticism, disapproval, neutral though, or even just a simple giving your attention to something or someone else.
If I’m quiet one evening, maybe I’m tired, have a headache, deep in thought about life or worried about a friend, or even just peacefully quiet, pondering the good things of life. All of this will cause the covert narcissist to go into that “feed me” mode.
It’s like a panicked place on their end of - uh oh, what’s wrong? Why are you quiet? Are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong? Are you upset with me? Do you still love me? Are you leaving me?
It is always all about them. It is like they are a hawk watching everything you do or say, the look on your face, the way you breathe, and interpreting everything as though it ALL has to do with them.
It doesn't matter how much you tell them and show them that you love them. It is never enough!
www.covertnarcissism.com
www.cnglifecoaching.com
--- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/covertnarcissism/support
 
I am Renee Swanson, and I help people recover from covert narcissistic abuse.
Are you tired of feeling isolated and alone? 
Are you searching for people who get it? 
Are you confused, reactive and unsure what to do? 
Are you running in circles in your mind?
Are you worried for your kids and the effect this is having on them? 
Do you want to know how not to raise another narcissist in this world?
I can help you! I offer both group and individual coaching, which you can find at www.covertnarcissism.com
 
Renee Swanson, Certified Coach and Advocate for Victims of Covert Narcissistic Abuse
http://www.covertnarcissism.com
https://www.tiktok.com/@cngreneeswanson
https://www.youtube.com/@cngreneeswanson
https://www.facebook.com/renee.covertnarcissism

Covert Narcissists Rule Their Environment

When you are with a covert narcissist, you gradually and even completely disappear as an individual. You no longer matter in your world. They completely rule the environment. They are the one in charge of the dance that is going on between you and them. Their moves are the ones that decide the direction you go. Today I am discussing two distinct ways that this plays out - their timetable is the only one that matters and their mood sets the mood of the home. These two things, among others, put the covert narcissist in charge of the environment within the home and creates an unstable and hostile atmosphere.
You can learn more about the work of Renee Swanson at www.covertnarcissism.com
--- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/covertnarcissism/support
 
I am Renee Swanson, and I help people recover from covert narcissistic abuse.
Are you tired of feeling isolated and alone? 
Are you searching for people who get it? 
Are you confused, reactive and unsure what to do? 
Are you running in circles in your mind?
Are you worried for your kids and the effect this is having on them? 
Do you want to know how not to raise another narcissist in this world?
I can help you! I offer both group and individual coaching, which you can find at www.covertnarcissism.com
 
Renee Swanson, Certified Coach and Advocate for Victims of Covert Narcissistic Abuse
http://www.covertnarcissism.com
https://www.tiktok.com/@cngreneeswanson
https://www.youtube.com/@cngreneeswanson
https://www.facebook.com/renee.covertnarcissism

How Do We Raise Kids with a Covert Narcissist?

Anyone who is here listening to this podcast is dealing with an emotionally unavailable person. A person who does not have clearly defined boundaries nor honor your clearly defined boundaries. A person who is not emotionally safe for spontaneous and easy interactions.
In all these podcast episodes, I talk through many characteristics of a covert narcissist. If I had to briefly define a covert narcissist, it is a person who is psychologically and emotionally unsafe and damaging to those closest to them in ways that are subtle, passive aggressive, and not perceived from the outside.
Think about that definition for a minute. Psychologically and emotionally unsafe and damaging to those closest to them and not visible to the outside world. Now make them a parent to a child. Born completely vulnerable and unprotected. At the complete mercy of their parents’ care. In need of all care begin provided for them - physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically. This situation is incredibly difficult and painful. I address it in this episode.
If you want my book called Parenting with a Toxic Partner, it is available on Amazon.
For more information on my group coaching sessions, visit www.covertnarcissism.com/group-session
Or email me at renee@cnglifecoaching.com
--- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/covertnarcissism/support
 
I am Renee Swanson, and I help people recover from covert narcissistic abuse.
Are you tired of feeling isolated and alone? 
Are you searching for people who get it? 
Are you confused, reactive and unsure what to do? 
Are you running in circles in your mind?
Are you worried for your kids and the effect this is having on them? 
Do you want to know how not to raise another narcissist in this world?
I can help you! I offer both group and individual coaching, which you can find at www.covertnarcissism.com
 
Renee Swanson, Certified Coach and Advocate for Victims of Covert Narcissistic Abuse
http://www.covertnarcissism.com
https://www.tiktok.com/@cngreneeswanson
https://www.youtube.com/@cngreneeswanson
https://www.facebook.com/renee.covertnarcissism

How Do I Explain Covert Narcissism

How do I explain this abuse to friends and family who don’t get it.
How do I tell them? People who I really want to understand it. I want them to know why I’ve done some of what I’ve done. I want to hear my side of the story. I want them to think better of me.
I understand that drive to explain it to others. You want them to know you. You want them to hear you. I am going to use a couple of analogies today, one to better explain why they just won’t get it and one that you can use in explaining it to them to a certain degree.
I will tell you now that you cannot truly explain this to someone who has never lived it. They won’t fully get it, not entirely. Can they sympathize with you? Yes, if they are empathetic people. But they still won’t entirely understand.
And they don’t have to. You have nothing to prove to anyone anyways. Please know that others are not going to get it, at least not entirely.
Remember, you do not owe an explanation to anyone. You have nothing to prove and do not need to defend yourself to anyone. It truly does not matter what anyone else thinks of you. Those who won’t show you empathy and compassion do not need your time in that way. That is their problem, not yours. Those who offer that emotional safety to you and give you the space to talk about it or not as you need, those are the ones to lean on.
For more information on our upcoming group sessions, please visit https://www.covertnarcissism.com/group-session
--- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/covertnarcissism/support
 
I am Renee Swanson, and I help people recover from covert narcissistic abuse.
Are you tired of feeling isolated and alone? 
Are you searching for people who get it? 
Are you confused, reactive and unsure what to do? 
Are you running in circles in your mind?
Are you worried for your kids and the effect this is having on them? 
Do you want to know how not to raise another narcissist in this world?
I can help you! I offer both group and individual coaching, which you can find at www.covertnarcissism.com
 
Renee Swanson, Certified Coach and Advocate for Victims of Covert Narcissistic Abuse
http://www.covertnarcissism.com
https://www.tiktok.com/@cngreneeswanson
https://www.youtube.com/@cngreneeswanson
https://www.facebook.com/renee.covertnarcissism

4 Boundaries for YOU When you are with a Covert Narcissist

How in the world do we set boundaries with a covert narcissist? How do we protect ourselves from all the damage they are doing?
The boundaries that we need to set are for us, not for them. The boundaries are for you. Setting boundaries for them is like giving them a challenge. It’s game on, basically a guarantee that this will do it.
Here are 4 boundaries for you to consider and work on!
Stop explaining yourself to them, defending yourself
Stop making yourself vulnerable to them
Stop expecting them to change and stop trying to help them change or to fix them
Stop making excuses for them
In this episode, I explain the need for these boundaries as well as how to implement them. Be patient with yourself as you go through this. It is not a one-time event, and it is not easy.
The only people who get upset about you setting boundaries are the ones who were benefiting from you having none.
To join my next group coaching session, visit www.covertnarcissism.com/group-session
--- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/covertnarcissism/support
 
I am Renee Swanson, and I help people recover from covert narcissistic abuse.
Are you tired of feeling isolated and alone? 
Are you searching for people who get it? 
Are you confused, reactive and unsure what to do? 
Are you running in circles in your mind?
Are you worried for your kids and the effect this is having on them? 
Do you want to know how not to raise another narcissist in this world?
I can help you! I offer both group and individual coaching, which you can find at www.covertnarcissism.com
 
Renee Swanson, Certified Coach and Advocate for Victims of Covert Narcissistic Abuse
http://www.covertnarcissism.com
https://www.tiktok.com/@cngreneeswanson
https://www.youtube.com/@cngreneeswanson
https://www.facebook.com/renee.covertnarcissism

My View on Codependency

In today’s world, the word narcissism is extremely common. It is getting thrown around in many relationships, homes, places of business, schools. All over social media. Victims identify it in their abusers. Abusers throw the accusation back at their victims.
The word narcissism is being used by many that have no idea what it means. They get mad at someone and immediately call them a narcissist. They don’t like their opinion or have a disagreement, and the word narcissist comes flying out.
Therapists, counselors, psychologists, experts in the field are trying to get on top of this staggering rise in narcissism and the confusion that is running with it.
Lawyers and mediators struggle to figure out reality with those they are working with. Judges are so overwhelmed by all this that many of them don’t even allow the word narcissist to be used in their courtrooms anymore.
Side by side with this is a rise in the use of the word codependency. Another word that is being thrown around and is often misunderstood and misused. Some lay it all on the victim, saying “It’s your fault that you allowed all this abuse. It’s your codependency issue.” Only adding to the confusion so many victims already suffer from. Others get defensive and label this victim-blaming, standing up for those who have found themselves trapped in abusive relationships, just trying to make the best of it. Some victims relate to the codependency language and find a lot of healing in exploring that path. I would never take that away from them. However, others are powerfully repulsed by it.
This all gets extremely chaotic and confusing. I would like to share my view on codependency with you today.
To learn more about my upcoming group coaching sessions and to register for your spot, please visit https://www.covertnarcissism.com/group-session
--- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/covertnarcissism/support
 
I am Renee Swanson, and I help people recover from covert narcissistic abuse.
Are you tired of feeling isolated and alone? 
Are you searching for people who get it? 
Are you confused, reactive and unsure what to do? 
Are you running in circles in your mind?
Are you worried for your kids and the effect this is having on them? 
Do you want to know how not to raise another narcissist in this world?
I can help you! I offer both group and individual coaching, which you can find at www.covertnarcissism.com
 
Renee Swanson, Certified Coach and Advocate for Victims of Covert Narcissistic Abuse
http://www.covertnarcissism.com
https://www.tiktok.com/@cngreneeswanson
https://www.youtube.com/@cngreneeswanson
https://www.facebook.com/renee.covertnarcissism